It’s one of those days of multitasking, not just in my given profession as an engineer. but as an outdoor writer, a friend, hunter, husband, and a father. No order of importance implied, but assume family first. Much of the day has been about “getting it done”, tasks accomplished, next please. I’ll label myself as a overly hyper nerd at times. That’s my brain on ten solving whatever problems that can be solved in a given day. To most of you, they mean little. In my little world they earn me a living, and puts me one step toward whatever goal I aim for.
What had given me the seed, the basis for this blog, was a friend reaching out during difficult times. I’ll keep the particulars private as really they should be. I was able to offer some help, kind words from my own experiences, and more importantly offer my honest opinion to them as “you may have this skewed opinion of yourself, bullshit, trust me, this is what I see”. The truth, especially when it is positive and uplifting has its place when applied well. Today it was.
Part of what I wish to convey is a mile marker in a timeline that is my life story. Everyone has their own version of course. Turning 55 next March is one of those “I have arrived moments” for senior discounts, and other reminders of a perception of age. Today seems the day for me to express it.
Mentally I have crossed that line of becoming more reflective, where am I in terms of a grand plan, what does the next 50 years look like (Should I have superior genes, not claiming so, hoping… yes). My days in the turkey woods give me plenty of time to think, reflect, adjust my view and most importantly. relax and recharge my batteries. They’ll be more of that coming in just a few weeks, and I’ll take advantage of each day I can get out there. Despite our winters I love the change of seasons.
Going through the final stages of releasing my new book I find a change in my writings, and that it has become in some ways more personal, and closer to how I genuinely feel as a hunter, and as a person. Is this a change for the better, maybe? It is true to the heart, and I hope that it is what seeps through the stories.
As I put a stake in the ground at this juncture, I am OK that my experiences, choices (good, bad , even so-so) give me the perspective I have today. It is not to say I wouldn’t mind or in some cases yearn to have the ability to go back and take an eraser to some of it. No one should come to my side to back me up and declare me an angel or a saint by any stretch of the imagination. What would scare me to my bones is to wonder who I would have become or how I would view the world had I not enjoyed the many great things in my life or suffered consequences of my own choices or by matter of circumstance. Not all that dissimilar to those time machine movies when one change unravels the thread of all that holds the universe together. The one regret that I do have that I have no one to apologize to in this regard is the loss of innocence that I had as a young man. Not a sexual one, but one of the world is all possibilities and go for it. I still go for it, but with the tempering of decades of learned experience. Some of that is useful, words of wisdom, but it is not the same as having unhindered enthusiasm without a second guessing a bit of it. It is a little bit of emotional freedom you give up for some glimpses of wisdom.
I would not trade my 54 years for anything as I have known all along there is no dress rehearsal. Those that follow my writings know that I live a blessed life in so many ways. It is not perfect nor without heartaches. I do enjoy the fruits of my labor, and can look back at many successful things I had been a part of. I do feel that I have made a difference. Some of it comes from my work, advances in medical video, image sensors, and vision systems engineering that I have been involved in. I have been fortunate to work with and learn from brilliant people that I know to be smarter than I. I have gained much from those experiences. I continue to feel there is so much more to do, that my to do list will most likely out live me. Most importantly I have the sense of purpose and that I have much more to experience and to accomplish. It is unlikely that I’ll figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I am more than Ok in that quest.
I cannot comment on such things without mentioning our children, grandkids, as they carry on who we are in some small measure. I am blessed abundantly there. There are a few family heartaches that breaks me down whether I care to or not, but you come to live with such things that are beyond your influence or control, and as my wife would say, pray. At a soon to attend wedding I’ll walk our daughter down the grass pathway to the impatient groom. Our family continues to grow.
We never know what a kind word might do to influence a chain of events. Sometimes we catch wind of such things, most of the time it dominoes and you never truly know what caused it to come about. As I become a little older I become a little bit better at this, and try to add to the day rather than just survive or get through it.
One of the things I have done is written a small book that tells all of my true feelings and araignements I desire when the time comes. I keep it up to date, and it is shared with very close family and a few who have been or are a significant part of my many years on the planet. I recommend that you do the same, to not leave anything unsaid to those that this would be so important.
In keeping with this being an outdoor blog, this is some of the many things that I think about and ponder when spending time up against a big maple or high up in a tree stand. To those that find this scattered and random I would agree it has been one of those kind of days 🙂
© 2014 Mike Joyner- Joyner Outdoor Media
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