Scenario:
- It’s the middle of the second week of the spring season in Upstate NY.
- You are hunting state land and hear six, possibly eight different gobblers early morning. After several volleys of nonstop gobbling, you determine they all are very close to each other. You make your moves to close the distance.
- Each call you make is drowned out by thunderous gobbles. As you close the distance you find they are just a hundred yards away on private land.
- With a grove of pine trees in front of you, you close to within fifty yards undetected. You also know the land drops down to the valley not much further out beyond the pines. You make the softest purr you can muster, eight strutting long beards gobble so hard your pants wave.
- In all the excitement you just now notice (except the dufus republican, and the conservative too focused on gobbling) to the far left of your setup there’s a 50-gallon drum painted in camo hung up against a big maple tree limb with a feeder motor. There is corn everywhere, there is also a 5′ high fenced enclosure just beyond the pines that leads to the farm below
- Eight strutting long beards appear. They drop strut into a dead run towards the feeder.
You:
Anarchist- You have in your hands, the fastest cycling semi auto 12 gauge ever made. You fire two custom made (on the black market) fragmentation rounds. All eight gobblers are flattened at the blast. You avoid the police, the conservation officers which are called as the blast is heard throughout the valley. You have a backup plan to kill them all, should events not go as planned. They’ll never take you alive. No tags are used or reported.
Democrat- Hunting? Firearms? It should be banned, after taxing it to death for twenty years. You back out, hatch a plan with the DNC, US AG, and the FBI. You pay for a full jacked up documentation package. Next day you sneak back using a silencer and poach them all as they show up at the first cluck. You destroy all evidence and lay out a two-year investigation blaming Trump Jr. as a hedonist animal killer. Despite the elaborate efforts you still lose out on 1st place at the local spring turkey contest scoring and weigh in.
Republican– Landowner at work? You shoot two, sneak back over to state land, report your tags. Post like mad on Facebook. You then spend the next two years defending Trump Jr. You take 1st for beard, spurs, and weight. Rumors take on appearances as facts. You pick up your trophies leaving in a hurry and go on the fishing trip you just won…
Libertarian- Do not give it a second thought, shoot two gobblers, get out. Nobody’s business, tags are not reported
Conservative- You see the posted signs, you swear a bit, back up, set up and proceed to call in a gobbler from your right flank, and shoot. The birds out in front would not budge, not even to your $200 box call. They gobbled nonstop while you walked back to the truck. You tag and report. You go back a few days later hoping to call one off the property or until all the ruckus stirs one up from further down the ridge like before. Not a clue about the feeder until you hear it go off at 7AM. A pile of jakes show up at the feeder on cue. Mad as hell about the feeder, you leave. As you walk out in the daylight you notice the scattering of blood and feathers around the feeder. You get out of there and never look back. You have no clue about the enclosure until somebody at the diner accuses you of shooting a farm bird. You didn’t but now you are mad as hell, and damn sure it’s a liberal democrat that set you up. You decide to lay low, not enter the contest…
Green Party- all hunters should be arrested for felony crimes against humanity. except you of course…
It is expected that turkey hunters have a sense of humor given the daily doses of humility in any given season. Little bit of eye poking at at our crazy politics.
-MJ
© 2019 Mike Joyner- Joyner Outdoor Media
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